When I was young, maybe 11 or 12, I fell into a deep depression. Writing that now, it sounds overblown and silly - was I really so sad that I couldn't find it in myself to squeeze some joy out of life? These were supposed to be the carefree years of childhood and here I was trapped in my head filled with dark thoughts, unable to communicate what was bothering me and probably unable to articulate it to myself.
I had a good childhood. My parents are loving people who cared and provided for me and my siblings. I did well in school, probably because I was deathly afraid of not being good enough. I don't even remember having trouble making friends. On paper my life was pretty amazing, but I was miserable. Every day was a struggle. I got overly upset about every small thing that went wrong. I desperately wanted to be liked yet was afraid to express myself. My parents eventually got so worried about me that they took me to see a therapist. I remember feeling a sense of shame that I wasn't able to handle this myself, that I had "problems" and needed to see a professional. My mom asked if I wanted to keep this between us, and of course I did. I was more ashamed of myself than ever, and I don't think seeing the therapist improved my condition. I was withholding in the sessions - after all, what pre-teen wants to open up to an adult they don't know? - and all I remember is reluctantly agreeing to play a card game with the man. Maybe I went to four or five sessions and then asked to stop going.
Luckily I no longer suffer from chronic depression. It clung to me on and off throughout adolescence and to this day I can sometimes feel the shadow of that intense anxiety and self-hate, but because of supportive friends & family and through practices like meditation, creative expression, and therapy I have learned to love life a bit more as the years go by. If I could say something to myself as an 11- or 12-year-old, it would be this: you're not alone and there is no reason to be afraid or ashamed. It's okay to let out your feelings, kid. It's okay to be yourself and be patient and ask for help when things are overwhelming.
Thanks for being here, and I encourage you, if you have any confession big or small, to share it in the comments section or e-mail The Confession Stand at Confessions@theconfessionstand.org and we will repost it on the website anonymously or as per your request. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better!
-Adam
I had a good childhood. My parents are loving people who cared and provided for me and my siblings. I did well in school, probably because I was deathly afraid of not being good enough. I don't even remember having trouble making friends. On paper my life was pretty amazing, but I was miserable. Every day was a struggle. I got overly upset about every small thing that went wrong. I desperately wanted to be liked yet was afraid to express myself. My parents eventually got so worried about me that they took me to see a therapist. I remember feeling a sense of shame that I wasn't able to handle this myself, that I had "problems" and needed to see a professional. My mom asked if I wanted to keep this between us, and of course I did. I was more ashamed of myself than ever, and I don't think seeing the therapist improved my condition. I was withholding in the sessions - after all, what pre-teen wants to open up to an adult they don't know? - and all I remember is reluctantly agreeing to play a card game with the man. Maybe I went to four or five sessions and then asked to stop going.
Luckily I no longer suffer from chronic depression. It clung to me on and off throughout adolescence and to this day I can sometimes feel the shadow of that intense anxiety and self-hate, but because of supportive friends & family and through practices like meditation, creative expression, and therapy I have learned to love life a bit more as the years go by. If I could say something to myself as an 11- or 12-year-old, it would be this: you're not alone and there is no reason to be afraid or ashamed. It's okay to let out your feelings, kid. It's okay to be yourself and be patient and ask for help when things are overwhelming.
Thanks for being here, and I encourage you, if you have any confession big or small, to share it in the comments section or e-mail The Confession Stand at Confessions@theconfessionstand.org and we will repost it on the website anonymously or as per your request. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better!
-Adam